*HEAVY HEART*

In the past 2 days I have found myself very overwhelmed and emotional! I just haven't been able to bring myself to post for the past few days because rather than say a lot of things that may or may not make sense, I've also not been able to put into words what I want to say. (sometimes this ADD thing can be so annoying)

My kids left today for a 2 week vacation with their Dad and I will get to see them since they will also be at the Alive concert that I am attending for my very first time. I have never been away from my kids for that length of time and I guess that would have to play a part in my saddened state of mind. (Except for Kyle when my dad took him down south with him)

Most of you probably already know that my Dad is in his final days of life after battling cancer since 2000. I did get to talk to him yesterday and he sounded better than he had a few days before that... but I guess I know that it won't be much longer, and even though I know, somehow it hadn't registered till yesterday about how soon that I will be getting that phone call that no one wants to hear! My Mom belongs to a website that allows family and friends to stay in contact during a real crucial time in someone's life. The name of the site is www.caringbridge.com It has helped keep our family and friends updated on what has been going on. I sat down tonight with a heavy heart and started to check my email and found that my mom had updated with a new post. Mom wrote that her and Dad are requesting our prayers because Dad is showing more signs and symptoms of going home to Heaven. She also says that in the past week he is steadily loosing strength and weight, has no appetite and there has been a major decline in his health. He can no longer tinker with his hobbies- tractors. Moms work has allowed her to work from home and have supplied her with the means to do so because Dad isn't well enough to be left alone.

The questions that I keep asking God is how? How do you I find comfort in times of great overwhelming sadness and grief? Why do people that we love and care about have to leave? Why did this have to happen to my Dad or anyones Dad or loved one? I guess that we will never know that answer. I keep reliving my childhood and I find myself being taken back for some unknown reason... asking myself if I was a daughter that he was proud of? Does this happen with everyone in this situation? I keep feeling waves of regrets... about how I should of done this or that a little more, and I guess that is where I am taking a beating at the present time. I'm also feeling guilty because I wanted to fly down with my sisters to spend time with him, but the tickets are outrageous and I just don't have that kind of cash! Even though I tell my Dad that I love him, I really do and I pray that he never had to question the depth of my love or how I looked up to him! I pray that he knew I did! I will say that the devil does see this as a weak moment in these times of our life and he is so ever ready to pounce on us when we are at our lowest.


My prayer tonight is that you will remember my Dad in his final days of life and that somehow he will feel the arms of Jesus and his pain will be tolerable... and for the rest of the family and my mom that she will find strength in God as well until we are all able to get down to Florida to be with her.
I Love You Dad!